Awhile back, I started feeling restless about being a stay-at-home mom. My solution in summer 2014 was to hire a babysitter once a week for four hours. (Summers are hard, with me feeling bored and/or annoyed most of the time and wondering if I need medication for depression). I'd run errands by myself, go to a movie, or sometimes just relax in my room. It was nice, but I found myself wanting to do more; should I go back to work? The thought became increasingly persistent, and in October of 2015 I decided to pursue part-time work as an IT auditor and consultant, a job I'd had for 4 years with KPMG before 1st Brother was born. Long story short, I ended up back at the firm making $100,000 for 20 hours/week (!!). I was sure the dollar amount was a mistake--I thought I'd make less than half that--but I accepted without asking questions. My start date was February 1, 2016. Here is my (sanitized) business card to prove I was official:
Getting everything ready to start was really stressful, especially since we were dealing with a hardwood floor install gone wrong, and my eyes developed Giant Papillary Conjuctivitis so I couldn't wear my contact lenses. I found a great babysitter through care.com but had to arrange for a couple of sisters and a church friend to fill in while the sitter gave notice to her current employer and we drew up a contract (something I hadn't thought about--there were many details like this that came up!). Sister had a harder time with the transition than I thought, and when I worked from home it was upsetting to hear her being sad and difficult. This usually didn't last, and by the end of the day, she would sometimes not want the sitter to leave. The sitter liked to be out with her at the library, park, and the mom-and-me preschool we had been going to a couple times a week. Maybe it's a 3rd kid thing, but I had been growing weary of those types of activities and was not upset about missing out on things like this Easter egg hunt:
There were a lot of things I liked about my new job: I commuted with my husband for the first while and got more insight into his day, the people I met were great, and it was exciting to do something totally different in a totally different environment. I set up a Mon/Wed/Fri 9:00-3:00 schedule plus a few more hours from home to make 20/week. There was a lot of training up front, including a few days in Dallas, TX and some uncertainties as I got started, but I felt lucky to be part of a good team on my first client. Despite the 4-5 hour round trip commute and having to work one night from 10pm-4:30am to meet a deadline, I had a good experience.
On my next couple projects, I started feeling the work was repetitive, overly complicated, and other than providing compliance with laws and regulations, not all that valuable. I had no desire to move to the next level, and I was regularly working more than my 20 hours and was pretty stressed. There was so much in my head as I tried to keep our household running smoothly, tried to be a good employee, and tried not to ask too much of my husband, who has a high-pressure job and works very hard. SO MANY DETAILS! I didn't have much time to read, hang with my husband, stay in touch with family and friends, attend to my spirituality, or watch movies and TV. So at a certain point at the end of May when one project was winding down, I decided to quit. I lasted 4 months and felt embarrassed and a little defeated, but everyone was kind, and overall, I was relieved. I have since become really grateful for the experience--I gave it a try, and I know what I don't want to do. I have much more sympathy and appreciation for my husband and anyone who works, especially single parents or those trapped in a job or career they don't like.
The hardest thing was giving notice to our sitter. I gave her 4 weeks instead of 2 and after my last day went to the SF MOMA and di Rosa museums by myself, played golf, and got some to-do list items done. I was back home full time right when the kids got out of school, and the summer was slightly easier with my new perspective, but not much. I felt like I came out of a funk in mid-September after they'd been back for awhile, and I'm generally enjoying the free time I have, but there are times where I experience ennui (pronounced "ON-wee," a term I recently learned that means "a feeling of listlessness or dissatisfaction arising from a lack of occupation or excitement." Yes.) I realize I'm having an identity crises that may continue for awhile in one way or another. Growing up, I knew I wanted to complete high school and college, work a bit, get married, and have kids. I'm extremely fortunate all of that happened according to plan, and that I'm in a position where financially I don't have to work, but what now? TOO MANY CHOICES. Boo-freaking-hoo, I know. It's not worth it to try anything major until Sister is in kindergarten or maybe even 1st grade since that's full day. I dunno--I'll figure something out.
